Have you come to the end of yourself?

So today has been my “How can I pray for you?” day. Every few weeks I get a wild hair and text random people in my phone that simple question. Nothing else, just “How can I pray for you?”

Today I decided that one of the people I would text is Tyler’s cousin Sarah. I had her number in my phone from a while ago (apparently) and didn’t realize she had gotten a new one. The response I got from ‘Sarah’ was simply “Who is this?” I responded and then got “Where u from?” and that’s when I thought “oh no….”

Sarah was not actually Sarah, but was a man named Chris. I admire Chris because without hesitation he told me that he needed prayer. He was facing the possibility of cancer and had recently had a biopsy done but didn’t have results yet. Y’all, I wish I could be more like Chris. Instead I hope and pray that no one responds asking how they can pray for me.

You see, there are things that I desperately want prayer for but they’re private. I can’t quite bring myself to open up about them, even to my closest friends and family. So I want to challenge myself {and you} to live and pray intentionally. I want us to break down the walls and have real relationships where we share the real hurts. So here it goes:

Tyler and I made the decision a little over a month ago that while we wouldn’t necessarily try to get pregnant, we also wouldn’t necessarily not try either. For those of you that know me, being a wife and momma has been my hearts desire for as long as I can remember. And because I know next to nothing about pregnancy, babies, anything of that nature, I started to research everything I could about it. And then I was late. Fear. Excitement. Terror. Joy. I had such mixed emotions because I really didn’t feel ready to have a baby, but I also yearned for one more than anything else. And then the test came back negative. Y’all, this crushed me. I had to tell Tyler right before a big meeting that I was in charge of that 1) I had taken a pregnancy test and 2) That it came back negative. I felt like such a weenie! But my mind immediately went to the what if’s. What if I end up having fertility issues? What if we never are able to get pregnant? What if we can’t adopt? What if? What if?

Needless to say I’ve been on the verge of tears for about a week now because my mind is bombarded with the fear and uncertainty of not being in control. Of not knowing what’s going to happen. I’m not pregnant, but I do need your prayers.

I need your prayers that I could let go of the death grip I have on this part of my life. That I would relinquish my control over to the Creator. That I could trust that His plan and timing is better than mine. That ultimately I could find contentment and peace in Him and nothing else.

Y’all, I need your help to break down these walls surrounding our hearts desires and our deepest hurts. I need your help to keep me accountable. Friend, we have to start being vulnerable with each other and letting God move in us. Let’s start today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Side note: Once again, I’m not pregnant. Please don’t ask when/if I or any other young married’s will get pregnant. When the time comes, if the time comes, we will let you know. Until then, hush your mouth 😉

 

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One thought on “Have you come to the end of yourself?

  1. Amanda…just repeated words but, “God is in control!” He knows exactly when your plans will coincide with His plans! Sometimes it’s a while, but you are very astute to Him so I know you’ll see the reason for His plan!

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