In the past year a lot has changed for me. I graduated college, I got married, I quit my job and started a new one, I started on my Master’s degree, I got a new car, I moved out of my parents house, I joined a new church, I traveled, and I changed. In the past year, we’ve dealt with death, my anxiety has gotten worse, I was diagnosed with mild depression; we’ve had bad days, just like we’ve had good days.
If you would’ve asked me on January 15, 2015 what the next year would be like, my answer would not have been close to reality. The reality is that although this past year has been amazing, it’s also sucked- big time. I’ve never felt so smothered and yet so alone (and this was totally at the same time). I’ve never felt so loved and yet so over it. I’ve never felt so full of emotion and yet so void of emotion. Depression is a thief and a bully and it has turned my most sane thoughts into irrational beliefs. Depression leads me to believe I’m on my own and no one can help me, no one could possibly understand and even if they could I would just be a burden to them. Depression is a LIAR.
I have found deeper relationships since I’ve opened up about my anxiety and depression. Some people find it hard to believe because I am generally a pretty peppy person, but I am skilled at hiding my emotions. Don’t believe me? Just ask my hubs. I’ve had people tell me that they didn’t think I was really depressed because I’m always so happy. I’ve shocked people because they thought depression just meant you were sad. I’ve been treated like I have some virus that might be caught if you get too close. But then, I’ve been treated normally too.
I wish so much that I could tell you how to handle depression. I wish I could tell you just what to say to make it all better, but that’s not possible. Like most people I have good days and bad days. Medicine helps me, but I still have my days that I don’t want to go outside.
All of this leads me to my resolutions for this year. I want to have these huge, earth shaking resolutions that would shock and awe you but I know myself. I can never keep resolutions- pretty sure it’s impossible.
Resolved– To spend more time in prayer
Resolved– To study scripture for fun, not because I have to
Resolved– To do whatever will bring the most glory to God
Resolved– To treat my body and mind like a temple of God
Resolved– To be a living sacrifice, to keep my eyes on God and not myself
Resolved– To be a good example to the young ladies and gentlemen in my life
Resolved– To walk through life with others and not keep them at arm’s distance
Resolved– To not let the busyness of life get in the way of living
I pray that this year God continues to push me outside of my comfort zone and continues to make me rely on him. I pray that He allows me to share my story with others and to create authentic relationships. I pray that your resolutions go deeper than they ever have before. I pray that God uses me. I thank God for the struggles of the past year because I have never felt closer to Him. I will praise Him even when storms come because that is where Jesus shines through. I could never handle this on my own and I praise Him for being in the dark, stormy, valley with me.
I pray that in 2016 God’s love will shine and his grace and mercy will be apparent. I pray that you are changed even if it means wrestling with God. I pray we see 2016 as the best year yet no matter what happens- that we see God’s hand in everything, good and bad.